Thursday, January 19, 2006

Why are you on your cell phone at the gym?

My morning ritual is to now get up early at the ass crack of dawn to go to the gym. I figure its the best time because its not crowded and if I have to work late I won't miss the gym. But here's something that has really been getting on my nerves.

My frustration actually began on this bus this morning. Who in the fucking world was the girl on the bus talking to on her cell phone at 5:30 AM! You are as far east as possible in this time zone so unless you're talking to someone overseas or in Hawaii you shouldn't be on the phone at 5:30 in the morning. If Melissa had called at 5:30 just to chat I'd kick her in the shins! 5:30 am on the bus means sleepy time before we start our days.

The gym I go to is the NYSC in the Crown Plaza at 49th and Broadway so there are a few traveling businessmen there who find the need to work out in jeans. Ok I get it, you didn't bring clothes to work out in just your jeans and a nasty under-shirt from the day before. Plus its early so the store isn't open yet. Its ok, I'll let it slide.

But the guy on his cell phone in the gym who is sitting on his fat ass on the machine I need to use is annoying. First of all, who in the world is that important that you need to speak to them at 6:15 am! Explain that to me! Next, are you that important that you need to be on the phone not only at 6:15 but at the gym period! Are you a doctor? The president? An expecting father? If you're none of those either hang up the fucking phone or get off the machine so other people can use it.

I'm not some muscle head but I do enjoy working out in peace so if I can hear your conversation over the music on my iPod - that is turned all the way - we have a problem. No one at the gym needs to know what you ate for dinner last night buddy. Hang the phone up or move! Its really annoying.

Then you have the chicks who are all dolled up in their tight clothes on the treadmill. At least you're trying to get rid of that muffin top you got going on. But if you can speak at a normal pace without heavy breathing while you're on the treadmill then you're not doing much. Either hang up the phone because no one gives a shit what you're wearing to work today except for you and the girl on the other end of the phone. Who most likely is on a treadmill at another gym annoying the shit out of someone there too.

You're fat! Get off the phone! Walk a little faster you'll be amazed at the results.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Striped Shirt Guy

This is funny and true!

Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I’m coming home with some pussy tonight! That’s right! It’s been a long week at the office and it’s time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say “Junior Vice President” on them! They’re glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!

My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!

I figure we’ll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It’s going to be so fucking loud! I’ll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I’m that fucking pumped!

I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I’m crushing one right now!

I’m thinking about buying a boat this year!

I’m gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I’ll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!

I’m gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!

I will valet tonight!

I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to “Take it easy on the brakes, Champ”!

I will talk to people I don’t know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders “Babe” and male bartenders “Chief”!

When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is “full of skanks”! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!

I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!

I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for “after hours”! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!

When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!

I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I’ll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

New Years Resolution

Before the clock struck midnight I had devised a good New Years Resolution. I was going to give up beer. Why would I do something like that? Well when I drink beer I'm an asshole. I really just get nasty to people, specifically Melissa. I decided today that it was best if I quit on beer. but then I realized that's going to be impossible for me to do so I came up with a solution. Once I fail at my resolution I'll cut back significantly on beer. That's what I'm going with.

Today is January 3rd. I drank beer last night. New Years Resolution right down the shitter but there's still hope. I could go without beer... it would be healthier. Let's see how i'm doing in a week.

Random Act of Theivery??

It started off as another day off. The clock hit 11 am and we cracked open the first drinks. Prior to that Ken ran out to get beer for himself and vodka for me. I'm cutting back on the beer because its making me fatter so I'm gonna run with vodka for now. (more on that later).

We decided to head over to the bar to meet some friends and watch the Notre Dame - Ohio State game. Before we went there we played 4 games of Madden during which I drank 3 Vodka-Seltzers in pint glasses. PINT GLASSES! These were more vodka than seltzer which was the problem.

The game became boring so we cut to the chase. It was time to do something mischiveous. During our drunken night we convinced Ken to remove a very large New Castle mirror from the back wall of the bar. The mirror had to be no smaller than 3 feet wide and 5 feet long. Here's how it goes...

Ken wandered up to the bathroom and noticed the mirror hanging on the wall outside the bathrooms, which are on the 2nd floor. When he returned he mentioned how much he loved that mirror at which point I convinced him that he needed to bring it home with him. From there he went into the back room to check to see if the back door was locked or not. Returning he mentioned the door wasn't locked but there were cameras all over...they probably don't even work.

Then back upstairs. Grabs the mirror. Out the back door. Then he runs to the apartment with this giant mirror tucked under his arm. I meet him at the front door to the apartment building so that he can run in.

That was last night.

Today he felt guilty all day long that he took the mirror, whimp. When he returned from work he returned the mirror by going through the backdoor. Back up the stairs and puts the mirror back on the wall.

No harm. No Foul.

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